Facing My Demons
The past few months have been a nightmare for me. My beloved anxiety medicine that has been keeping me so well balanced for the past two years suddenly stopped working, and my anxiety built back up until I felt like I was driving myself and everyone around me insane. When the anxiety itself wasn't giving me trouble, it was the resulting fatigue, or the fear of the panic attacks getting worse.
I went to my doctor for help.
He prescribed me an additional medication to add to my current one to help give it a boost. It helped a lot with the fatigue. I had a lot more energy than I usually do, but my resting heart rate also climbed and my panic attacks did indeed get worse. So now I'm back to square one. I've started seeing a counselor and I'm in the process of tapering off my old two medicines and starting a new one. I've heard good things about it, so I pray that it will bring me (and my family) some relief!
If there's one thing that I can say I've learned throughout this whole annoying and traumatizing process it's that I'm not alone. No matter how alone I feel, or how terrified I am of losing everyone I love and someday being alone, it's just not true. My anxiety is centered around all of these lies that I've told myself over the years: You have to be perfect or no one will love you; Love isn't unconditional; If you do or say something wrong then everyone will stop loving you; If you love someone, they will inevitably break your heart.
Apparently I'm a little insecure.
My counselor says that my anxiety comes from a genetic predisposition combined with certain life experiences that created the perfect storm for my anxiety to grow. I was comforted to hear that, because I've always felt like my feelings of anxiety were my own fault. I wouldn't feel bad if I didn't deserve it, right? There's that flawed logic again.
With the help of modern medicine, my amazing counselor, my wonderful friends, my loving and supportive family, and my Heavenly Father I know that I will be able to find a good balance again. It doesn't do me any good to hide my struggles and isolate myself, so here I am, sharing away.
This scripture has never rang more true to me. God gave me this anxiety, this weakness, so that I could become humble. He gave it to me to teach me, to give me experience, and to ultimately make me stronger.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. ~Ether 12:27